So.....surgery. Kinda freakin myself out about it.
Went up to see the doctor on Monday..and ill be honest. I was ...dreading the appointment. I had been crying on the phone to my mom the night before saying "if i drive all the way to Ottawa...for him to tell me no...I may hurt him"
she suggested calling him a saddist and walking out....but i prefered my methods.
But part of it was the fact I was so sick. I was whiney. So I got a hotel ...drugged myself ....slept over...got up ...drove the minute and a half down the road to my appointment and all was good. And they said yes...so things were very good
 i've been reading up on it a lot...looking at a lot of before and after pictures...and...i'm beside myself....like.....it makes me wanna cry every time I think about it. I ....could potentially be down to a weight i haven't been at since I was 11. 11. ELEVEN.
anyway...i just took some neocitran and can feel my eyes getting heavy...and i really need to remember to put that piece back in....sleep is so much better when you can breath.

i havent' told Roger that things are over between Curtis and I. Partly because i"m kinda enjoying the no pressure atmosphere that we now have...and partly because Curtis keeps calling and messaging....so...the book isn't closed and i know it. \
However...i walked in last night to say hello....he took one look and was like "whoaaaa...you had a bad day"...and yeah, yeah I did. I didn't really tel him all of it, I left out the part of plotting someone's death in my brain for the majority of the afternoon...but I did tell him about the whole Curtis wants babies thing. We talked for quite awhile as his nephew ran in and out of the restaurant (maybe 2 1/2 years old). Roger's brother was standing outside talking with some girl.

I wonder at nothing till he is mine down easy and dark.

Pet the soft underbelly of a tortoise.

Flat out. 

He's been on my brain for a week. 

I can count on both hands the number of times I've had vivid dreams, about people and have felt compelled to call them to see if they were ok. I can say every single time, the person was not ok. I had a dream about him last....Tuesday? Monday. Something. I woke up, shaken, scared, worried, beyond all that has happened there was no room for anger. I got to work and the lovely new yahoo version, when you log in to mail, the messenger list pops up. I haven't had him on my list since whenever....but I guess it takes it from your actual address book, so up pops his name. I felt ill. A dream and he's on my screen. Seemed like too much. So I messaged him. I didn't want to explain it all. But on the other hand I didn't want him to think I was weak. I knew either way, no matter what I said to him I'd be viewed as weak, but...this wasn't about winning. I just needed to know he was still alive. In the literal sense.

He is. He messaged me back "shocked at my tenacity"....And I don't remember what it was he said, but it just kinda hit me like a tonne of bricks. He was right. And whatever it was finally shed light on the fact he was HURT, not just angry, hurt, and sadly it was his hurt that made me realize i had done it again. Borderline at it's best. Do I excuse everything on that. no. Was he right in everything? No. Was I right in everything? No. Do I miss him? Not really. Do i hate him? No. I tried in as few words as possible to explain that to him. He never wrote back. Which I expected. I'm not sure if he didn't respond out of sheer exhaustion of the entire situation (I would be), indifference, or perhaps realization. I hope it was realization. 

So fine. he's been on the gray matter this week. But i think it's more because I've been thinking a lot about how I handle people...or don't handle people and  how I, push them till they break. A test? Maybe. Self preservation, more likely. 
And really, let's keep my head on straight here, he kinda was an asshole to me. Not sure if it was just personality differences or douchness. Both. 

Roger. he hit the right spot. Literally. And so he's been invading on my brain as well, which right now is welcome. I stood in the shower this morning thinking about him, actually disappointed I wouldn't see him over the next couple days..."maybe i should call him..." and my ipod busted out in a tune that made me think of driving to Ottawa. 

I started crying. Not because of Alex. it's not really about him anymore it seems, it's more what...he symbolizes. It wasn't a crumple to the bottom of the tub ripping the curtains dramatically as I went kind of cry, it was just....suddenly a few streams of tears running down my face, mistaken at first for water. 
My inability to feel. My fear to feel. My fear of fear. And my wall to keep it out. 
I didn't mean for it to go like this. I didnt' mean for my brain to be so, messed. I didn't mean for my relationship with my father to go down the tubes at a young age. That I had no control over and did not know the ultimate impact it would have. I don't want to be the victim, and I won't be. But I am fully aware of my limitations. To love, is one of them.
 

Current Mood: high

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.........

I sink in to my desk chair....I'm exhausted. I don't even KNOW how many kilometers I"ve driven this week. It's STUPID.  LIke, to Kingston twice, Peterborough....I worked crazy STUPID hours, I'm feeling very beaten up. But the march goes on.
The sleep clinic went well, and if I can muster up the care to get my camera I might just upload the pictures I took after they wired me for sound. I am one hot science experiment let me tell ya.
But the best part, that I COULDN"T take a picture of was when I was put to bed...I had these tubes running in my nose, over my mouth, these straps around my body....S&M gone completely wrong. NOt that I was strapped to the bed, literally they were around ME, I could roll around a lot, but...it was an interesting sleep for sure. I don't remember any dreams, which i"m thankful for because ALL of my dreams as of late, have been....disturbing (?) off (?) just not right. It's almost July. What the F. Seriously. Where did June go? 

I had intensions of making this a very informative post. But, I really don't care anymore. I'm tired. I want my bed. And volume 7 of Family Guy (mmmmm volume 7 of Family Guy, yah, that's right, I am a "comes out on dvd day of" buyer)
Oh yes, so, many people have been asking "why do you need the sleep study done"...and truly I didn't have an answer. But now I do. Apparently they need to know for the general anesthetic....if you have sleep apneia, it affects it, and they don't want to kill the patients, which is nice of them.
The tech working on me last night use to work for my Dad at the Napanee plant.....made me feel kinda weird and kinda more safe all at the same time. He remembers when I was born. Now he's standing here wrapping wires around me and strapping my breasts down. Awesome.

So, I just uploaded a bunch of pictures,...then it f'd up. argh.

Current Mood: indifferent

From Chapter One, entitled Dear Reader, on page one; " If you are a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, this book is written especially for you. If you have spent much of your life unhappy or afraid, unable to sustain long-lasting, satisfying relationships, and have repeatedly engaged in self-defeating or injurious, impulsive behaviors, or even attempted suicide, you may well be borderline and in need of treatment."

"...You are accustomed to dealing with the world through impressions rather than ideas. When you hear a song, you listen to the music, not the words. With this book, I hope to create a living picture of your experience in the world of relationships and feelings..."

Went home for the weekend. For many reasons. To practice with the girls for next month. To see Amanda's new house. To visit Allan. To go to Ottawa on Monday.
I pretty much bawled the entire way back from Napanee to Toronto. I couldn't cry from Ottawa to Napanee cuz Grandma was with me.
It just...frustrates me that, I feel so, broken. Not shattered, but ...like I am incapable of running quote unquote, normally. To hear someone say that they don't think I'm mentally stable....kinda....hurts. And, at first I thought, no, they are just being cautious, which is understandable. They don't know me now. All they have are my records, but....the more I got thinking about it...what if they are right? 
What if I'm just CRAZY.
Could have sworn I saw Alex, but couldn't tell for sure. I only saw a flash of the side profile and then his back. Looked like his back and shoulders, height....either way, a beautiful frame, the kind that makes me wanna dig my fingers in, but I wasn't going to be bothered to try and find out. So I just kept driving.
My entire, year's plan is kinda shot. Guess it's great to know I can go on vacation when ever the heck I want, but........that's the thing, do I even want to? I keep living a lie of who I am, and how I actually view myself.

Stupid pyschiatrists. I hate them. I was fine till he started talking to me.

I really haven't had time to breathe since I returned from Florida. Thank god for Floriday or I may have lost my mind already. Busy. Work. Busy. Stuff. Busy. hm.

Have another appointment in Ottawa on monday. That should prove to be interseting.
Going to a baseball game tonight. Robyn is coming up and taking me for my birthday.
Matthew took me to dinner and a movie last night. So when I say busy it's not ALL bad.
Noor apparently has a birthday surprise. Better be good. ;)

Goodbye Toronto!
FLORIDA HERE I COME!

Reading back on my last entry made me realize I haven't written in a while and I had a ..."run in" with Alex. If you want to call it that. But....it's not worth my energy to write about it. And it's not that I'm being evil in saying that, I just ...really don't care. That kind of saddens me. I always prided myself on my ability to care about the well being of others even if there was nothing in return or there was anger and hurt. But now, I'm no better then him. I just don't care. Odd place.

Went to see Lewis Black last night. AMAZING.
Went to see Sound of Music on Wednesday. AMAZING.
Couldn't get back to my building because the buses were cancelled and the streets were cut off because some guy got shot one half block over from my building. AMAZING.
I leave for Florida in 19 days. AMAZING.

Coming up to the one year of grandpa's passing. That sucks.
Haven't gotten my grades back yet. That sucks.
The college is kinda screwing me over, but I'm fighting back, but it's a hassle. That sucks.

Roger is growing on me.
Noor is growing on me.
Warren is growing on me.
Matthew is pissing me off.

That is all.

Oh the randomness of some days.

Work was crazy but fun today. I really enjoy poking fun at Warren. He makes me laugh, and he kinda turns me on.

Shane (yes, Shane, the one who's belongings I dumped in a driveway when I found out he was nothing but a big liar) requested me on facebook today.

Now cmon, isn't that just entertaining??? So I added him. What an idiot. Like...he was is one of the few men in my life that I have absolutely, without a doubt, 100% know, for sure, no questions asked that I was right and he was wrong. Hands down. He told me he missed me. He misses talking to me. We should go for a beer, etc etc. I took great pleasure in telling him I was living in Toronto. I took great pleasure in telling him I was working for his former company. I took great pleasure in NOT responding to his sappy comments. It's good to have people like that in your life, to remind you of how lucky you are that a) you aren't them and b) you aren't with them.

Karen's car got slammed in a parking lot today. Not that it's funny. But random.

Matt went down to the store. Roger was in the hall and told him to "say hi to your room mate". So, when Matt said hi to me I messaged him "hi!".
He called. I hate talking to him on the phone beause it's kinda hard to understand him. He has a low voice and he talks quietly. So...anyway. We talked. I think he likes me. That sentence always throws me through a loop. I, think, he, likes, me. huh. And the other night Matt and I had something to eat from his restaurant and then we had to head out to do some running around. About 2 hours after seeing him, Roger texted me "you looked really nice today"

awhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Thanks Roger. You made me blush.

Matthew also made me blush when he pinched my ass as we were walking in to Leon's the other day but thats another story that I realized I must touch on now. He basically told me he wanted a relationship with me but knew he'd have to wait for me because I'm having "too much fun".

Talk about making me want to run for the hills. It just won't work. He said something interesting. He can be completely himself around me. Which IS good. I'm glad. I'm not myself around anyone. Knowing now that what I felt for Alex wasnt' THE love, I see the importance of being yourself around people. I filtered so much with Alex. I filter only a few things with Matthew. I filter nothing with Noor. Roger...I'm still filtering. I'm tryin to figure out what he's all about.
Anyway.
So that was cute.

Got the name of a recommended dentist...so called to book an appointment. Their associate office does after hour appointments, so I asked for that one. Got my appt booked, asked their location. Man that sounds familiar (and for it to sound familiar to me, I MUST have been there before in Brampton) looked it up on Google. Laughed. Picked up the phone and called Jeff "hey...whatcha doing next Thursday, I have a dentist appointment around the corner from your house". Turns out it's his dentist too.

Then, Kelly the chick that married my Cuban boy, that I warned her...yah, her FB status tonight was "one step close to gettin mi amor here" 
I would like to take a moment to thank:
A) women for being so stupid
B) this woman for costing tax payers money so that this guy can come here and break your heart after he's landed.
C) Mijail for being such a player that I can't help but applaud his antics.
D) The letter Q.

I can't wait to bump in to HIM. ahahahahaha. *wipes tear from eye*

Really? really? Men of relationships past, just ...go away.

I'm sitting here, my 2nd pot of coffee brewing, I just finished what I hope is my last school paper EVER. If I don't pass this course, so help me God....so help the person who has to deal with me that day. My exam is in a couple weeks.Which also means I quit smoking in a couple weeks. I should be studying, but it's 4:20 am, and I'm all tuckered out.
i intend to watch the sun rise this morning. I see it most mornings now, but I never really ENJOY it, I glance at is as I rush around in the morning trying to time my hair right. Blondes do have more fun.
I havent' been writing in here enough, although, there hasn't been much to say lately except, school, school, work, school, surgery, school...uhhh school.
The cat has been keeping me company all night which i find adorable. he's such a cute cat, but now I kinda feel bad, cuz normally he pops in and out of Matt's room, but not tonight. Somebody is up!! I wonder how long he'll sleep tomorrow.
I was ouber stressed about lunch with Matthew tomorrow, but since I actually finished my paper, I'm kinda looking forward to it. Perhaps we will go out. i had thought he would have to bring lunch here. i feel bad I havent' seen him more, my god he only lives 3 blocks away. What is my problem?
I can't wait to spend more time with Noor. Thank god he is understanding. thank god he's not nieve to think him and I are exclusive. He's got other people to see, so do I. Speaking of which I need to have Roger over again. Bless him and his Trinidadian cooking ways.

Work is still kinda shaken from the death. Kinda weird to drive by that corner. Man, I didn't even write about that. Last Thursday our receptionist was hit and killed by a transport truck, not even a block from our office, like you could see the yellow tape from our department's windows. So messed up. Felt so bad for everyone, I mean, I really didn't know her all that well, but some people had known her for 20 years. what a f'd up thing. Just coming to work. And pow. 50 yards from the door.
I found myself trying to console others around me. i guess witnessing the accident last year...helped? I don't wish that type of thing on anyone. But. I guess in a way it's a life lesson that you always carry with you. I could read it all over the one person's face...she had seen the body being covered with a tarp on her way around the corner and had told everybody about it, and after we found out it was her...I could just see her mind's eye going. Playing it, over and over and over and over and over......broken video tape.....
Wow, who's an 80's child. Video tape? 
ugh.

Montreal was good. ottawa was good. Surgery should be good. Although, I had a moment today....a moment of "do I REALLY want to do this"...more for fear of losing my identity. I've always been fat. Mere = chub. I'm scared of who I might become, and more nervous of how other people will become, and who I'll want to smother with a pillow. It actually scared me at one point tonight as we were sitting in a restaurant downtown (cool place must go back) I thought as I looked around at all the people chatting and smiling "soon I'll be one of them".

what kind of messed up thought is that? But it's sadly true. Normal weight/skinny/thin/whatever people don't realize the difference in attitude towards overweight people. I wonder what kind of style I'll wear. i wonder what kind of style I'll become? there are looks I really like, but I don't even know if I'll have the body type for it. What will my body be like "thin"? That's what scares me. I have no idea what I look like underneath. What if I don't like it? I mean, not that I think it could be any worse then this, but...really.....I think I'll have absolutely no butt. Kinda saddened by that. Not sure what's going to happen to my boobs either. Saddened by that too.

Been checking out surgery's for afterwards, looks like I've gotta save up eight grand. Whateves. I want it.

There's a guy at work that if I was honest with myself I'd say I was totally crushing on. However, since I'm rarely honest with myself until it's absolutely neccisity i will refrain from making such a comment. I'm so glad he sits next to me.  The two youngins together......of 28 and 34. Jesh.

Well, I think that's all for now. Nothing really exciting, just trying to get through. April 17th I will be a very happy girl. As long as I pass.

Mere with a post diploma. Whoda thunk. I might actually complete something in my life, for once.

Went and saw the movie Watchmen with Matt last night. We too a bus 25 minutes to the subway, then took the subway another 15 minutes to downtown. We got off, and oh my gosh it was busy...but it was the nice weather that had the whole city it seemed on their feet. Went to this cool little book store. I'd like to go back with a lot of money. There's one book called "Are you there vodka? it's me Chantelle (?)" Can't remember the name. I opened the book to read apart about her getting a cavity search, chuckled to myself as I closed it putting it down and thought of every single one of my friends whom I thought would find this amusing. I'd have to buy a lot of copies. Then we got shwarma, mmmm, and then got to the theatre to find out that every show was sold out except the 11pm and 11:30, which by the time the show would be done, we'd be missing the last subway by A LOT. So we hopped back on the subway, went up to Yorkdale to the theatre there. We had to wait in line for 40 minutes for the 11 show...at this point I didn't care about public transit and was willing to pay the 25 bucks for the cab to see this frickin movie.
It was good. Really well done in terms of visual, camera shots, special affects.....acting was meh. I wish Dr. Manhattan had burned a smiley face in to his forhead instead of some simple symbol. Have a sense of humour blueman!

Went to Niagara Falls on Thursday to pick up all my tax info from Robyn. We went out for dinner to Casa D'Pizza, and lo and behold I ran in to two of my former co-workers from Affilaited. This gave me a real good boost. It was nice to see them after so long....and was asked if I would sing at one of their daughters' weddings. Kinda nice too. We'll see.

I miss Robyn. I miss our conversations. Random, wine filled conversations about life, relegion, spirituality, dumb people......

D, her friend and I have booked our hotel for Montreal. Some posh place 3 blocks from Crecent street....I love the recession. Cheap deals for me!!!

I'm avoiding studying for my midterm. I just finished my paper earlier. That should be intersting. I need this course done yesterday.

Last wednesday I ran in to the director of Operations at Affiliated. We were both at a CFIA seminar. I made a point of talking to him after the course...we had only met once in person before...so I when I introduced myself his face just dropped, shook my hand and said "What on earth are you doing here?" 

Now. "what on earth are you doing here" could cover a variety of "here's".
Here could mean "what on earth are you doing in Toronto?"
Here could mean "what on earth are you doing at a conference in Toronto?"
Here could mean "what on earth are you doing at this conference?" or
Here could mean "what on earth are you doing at A conference? 

I'm sure there was a lil of each, so I took great pleasure in telling him that I had been transfered with my company to Toronto and that they had sent me to this seminar so I could come back and give a report to them....

Aff never sent the people that actually DID the work, they only sent the higher ups, the ones that would come back and just spew nonsense of what was said but not apply it to how it affects our jobs. So for him to see me at the conference, he probably thinks i"m higher up then I am.

Good.

So to see 2 people from the company the next day, and have them beg me to crash the Christmas party this year.....proved to me that I could still make people squirm. I like it.

Current Mood: groggy

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
that is all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syAzEfx86w4

OK. ...so not quite sure how to say this so here goes:

A friend of ours has been given three months to live. She is 24 years old and has a liver disease but because she has such a rare blood type, (O-) she has been told in the past that getting a donor could take up to 5 years. 
The states it can be much faster a) because there are more people and b) because not every one can afford it, but it could cost as much as $500,000. The least will be around $200,000.
We need ideas. I'm calling radio stations tomorrow, legions, Lion Hall, Kiwanis, to find out if we can get a sponsor in the sense of a reputable affiliate to run this fund raiser, but we need fund raiser ideas. We've got date auctions (which by the way in the past 3 hours we've been discussing it we've already got almost 10 people in) car wash, bbq's, stag and does, we're going to ask companies in the area to donate...hell I"m willing to stand on a corner and just pester people...but the faster the better....so if ANYONE has any ideas ...any suggestions how to go about this, from the business point of view, the consumer point of view, the donater point of view...we'd REALLY appreciate it. 

M

Can you say, "my sides were hurting" ? Oui!

Such a good movie. It's only out in Canada as far as I know...but for all you Canadians out there, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE! This week it's playing at Cineplex Odeons at 9:55pm. Don't know how to find out one in your area, click here. That's right, no excuses....go see this movie. It's truly Canadian without any of the native/snow/aboriginal/beaver/great lakes/bogus crap. Yeah, I said it. For the vast majority of Canadians, (especially Ontario and Quebec) THIS IS IT!

Go, why are you still sitting here. GO!

ANOTHER girl at work just asked if I would do the music for her wedding.

Always the wedding singer, never the bride.